Something worth living for
by MissRed666
Summary: Alternate ending to Coda, what if Chakotay spoke at Kathryn's funeral. one shot


Harry Kim was speaking to the crowded room, the emotion of the last few days evident in his voice and on his face. B'elanna shuffled through the crowd to where Chakotay was standing. Though no one else could tell, B'elanna could see the pain in his eyes, she had been his best friend and B'elanna knew how much he had loved her.

"Hey old man, how are you holding up?" she asked as she took her place to the left side of him.

"I'm fine, that was a wonderful speech. Kathryn would have enjoyed it, and she did know. Don't worry about her not knowing how much you cared for her, she knew." She nodded her head

"Look Chakotay, I realise your relationship with the Captain was not conventional and I also realise that you are hurting. The only way I can see you getting through this without her is to tell her, even in her death, how much she meant to you. The crew needs to see that, and frankly so do I."

His eyes shot up to meet hers and she could see the pain and confusion that her words were having.

"B'ell I can't, she wouldn't have wanted me too."

"Chakotay, today isn't about her it's about you and me and the rest of us saying goodbye to the one person we all loved and cared for, and it's your turn. If not for yourself do it for the rest of us, we need to know that she was more than just our Captain, we need to see the human side to her or none of us will get through this."

With that he nodded his head and when Harry finished walked up to the front of the room. He wouldn't make eye contact with the crew and his voice was low when he spoke.

"Captain Janeway was the greatest captains I have ever had the privilege of serving under, and Kathryn Janeway was one of the most remarkable people I have ever met." He took a long breath before continuing, "Kathryn and I had a different relationship than those of you might think, she was my best friend but more than that I love her, and I will probably never stop loving her.

Everything about her was remarkable from the way she could command all of our attentions to her infamous struggles to make her replicator work. I have spent the last three years by her side and in that way iv found peace. I was an angry man before we were all dragged into the delta quadrant but working by her side, struggling by her side it helped me to find my place in the world. My place always was and always will be by her side." Tears were now freely flowing down his face as well as the faces of the crew gathered in the small mess hall.

"Kathryn and I have so many stories, each funnier than the last, I don't know which one to tell you to make all of this more ok. I guess ill tell you about that time we spent on New Earth, for she was more herself there than I had ever seen her, and I can tell you all as surely as I stand here you would all have loved this free unburdened Kathryn. It took her such a long time after you had left to finally give in to the freedom and into herself, in the end a plasma storm decided it for her. That night I held her under the table while she cried for herself and for you was one of the defining moments in our turbulent relationship. But it was later after we had cleaned up the mess that the storm had made that I realised how much I loved her, I think she worked it out too because before long she was talking about defining the parameters of our relationship. Yes she said parameters." He laughed slightly from the memory and the crew joined in.

"I said that I couldn't define parameters but instead I told her an ancient legend about an angry warrior finding peace and learning to be live in whatever capacity she needed for me to live in. she saw through my story right away and I knew that she knew that I loved her. If you guys hadn't come back for us when you did she would have let her final barriers fall within the week. Not that I blame you, we were both very confused about our emotions back on Voyager but I knew where I needed to stand, we couldn't be lovers on Voyager but I could do whatever I could to make her burden lighter, to force her into taking breaks and eating food instead of drinking coffee. She taught me how to love without ever realising and she taught me how to find peace without ever finding any of her own. I love you Kathryn, always have and I always will."

His face was covered in tears and he could feel his breathing begin to hitch. He closed his eyes for a moment imagined her face smiling at him and pulled himself together. He pushed the pain away and stood up straight for one last time before issuing the orders to release her body to be forever exploring the space she loved so dearly. He stared out the windows and watched her body be pushed out to the open space and his tears started afresh. Unbeknownst to him and all the others in the room Kathryn was there,

"Oh Chakotay," she said as she crumpled to her knees in the corner, "I knew, I've always known. I love you too." A thought came into her mind as she saw Kes walk towards Chakotay. Standing up she walked over to her one true love and put her hand through his chest, she could see an odd look in his eyes and knew that he could feel her there.

"I love you Chakotay, be strong for me I'm never going to leave you." With those words her vision faulted and she was lying on the ground looking up at Tuvok, Chakotay and the Doctor.

"Keep fighting Kathryn" Chakotay said, But the vision was gone in a flash and she was back in the mess hall, except all of the people were gone this time.

"This isn't real My people are telling me to fight. They're trying to save me." She said looking towards her father.

" They're trying out of desperation. It's hopeless." He replied desperately trying to get her to stay and go with him

"You're the one who sounds desperate. I don't get the feeling you're trying to make me comfortable. You're only interested in my agreeing to come with you."

"Because it's inevitable." He tried to reason

"And you don't strike me as any type of Good Samaritan. You're more like a vulture, preying on people at the moment of their death when they're at their most vulnerable."

"I've waited for you. I've been patient."

"But your patience is wearing thin. What's the real reason you want me in that Matrix? Somehow I don't think it has anything to do with everlasting joy."

"You must go with me."

"If you could force me to go, you'd have done it already. You need me to agree, don't you? I have to go voluntarily." Her logic was starting to reassert itself in her mind

"Wouldn't that be better than standing here in this endless debate?"

"Let me tell you this. We can stand here for all eternity and I will never choose to go with you."

"You're in a dangerous profession, Captain. You face death every day. There'll be another time and I'll be waiting. Eventually you'll come into my Matrix and you will nourish me for a long, long, time."

"Go back to hell, coward."

Waking up on the ground looking up at Tuvok and Chakotay and the Doctor she asked for an explanation of what happened.

"We were in a shuttle crash, you died but the doctor got here in time to try and bring you back. As we were treating you Tuvok noticed an alien presence in your brain, there were a number of times we thought we lost you but you just kept fighting back. Eventually the alien was dislodged." Responded Chakotay immediately to her questioning.

"The alien, he wanted me to go into his matrix. He showed me my death a few times and then my funeral it was, it was something else I can't describe it." she shook her head and tried to sit up, Chakotay grabbed her arm and helped to pull her into a sitting position before placing his arm around her shoulders and helping her stand. Her mind was turbulent, was any of what he showed her real. Did Chakotay really love her? All she knew was that she loved him and she didn't want to hide it any more.

Back on Voyager a few hours later and Kathryn sat in her ready room trying to figure out how to tell Chakotay how she felt and find out if he felt the same. She heard her door chime and allowed them entry never once looking up from the padd that she wasn't reading.

"I could have sworn I heard the Doctor tell you to take it easy for a few days." Came his voice from the other side of the room, her heart skipped a beat.  
"Talking it easy usually makes me feel worse." She replied honestly  
"You shouldn't push yourself. You've been through a lot." He said handing her a flower, a peace rose. She was so happy she would have jumped for joy. Even though the alien's visions never actually happened she knew that every word he spoke at her funeral was true. He really did love her.  
"Oh. To tell you the truth, I'd rather stay busy than dwell on what happened."  
"I can understand that. I can't help thinking about it. That alien, his Matrix, he was like the spider that has to lure a fly into his web."  
"Do you think it's possible that each of the near death experiences we've heard about are the result of an alien inhabitation?"  
"That's a little hard to believe."  
"I hope so. I'd prefer to think his species was unique to the Delta Quadrant and that I've seen the last of him."  
" I'm sure that's the case. After going head to head with Kathryn Janeway he must have realised he'd met his match."  
"Thankyou Chakotay, it means a lot." She paused uncertain whether now was the moment.

"What's wrong Kathryn? Is there something you're not telling me?"

"Well yes, when I was at my funeral you spoke." She could see his face look alarmed

"What did I say?" he already knew what had happened but he needed the conformation and he also needed to know where she was going with this.

"You repeated our ancient legend about the angry warrior and the woman warrior and you said that you loved me."

His face went white and his mouth dropped, she didn't look at him and continued, "I guess what I'm try to say is, do you? Do you love me?" this time she looked up and he didn't need to say his answer for her to know it. Her face turned up in a huge smile and she locked her eyes on his.

"Yes, yes I do Kathryn. I love you with my whole heart every second of every day. I always have and I always will." If she was surprised at his words it didn't show on her face. She crossed the room over to him, threw her arms around his neck and kissed him with the passion that she had been denying herself and him for the past three years. When they came up for air several minutes later his eyes looked questioningly into her

"I love you to." She said simply and he kissed her forehead. An idea came into her head.

"Come on, Chakotay. I've cheated death and you are finally mine, that's worth a celebration, don't you think? A bottle of champagne, moonlight sail on Lake George, how does that sound?

"Like something worth living for."


End file.
